Supporting Someone Who is Experiencing Intimate Partner Violence

Help them recognize the abuse. Mirror the language they are using to describe acts of power and control. Help them understand that this is not their fault.

Be there to support your friend’s strength. Recognize the ways they take care of themselves and keeps themselves safe in their relationship. Encourage them to be part of group activities to feel less isolated. Remind them of their strengths and that you will always be there for support.

Be non-judgemental. It is common for someone to break up and get back together with an abusive partner. Do not tell them that they are wrong for doing that, and support them no matter what stage of the relationship they are in. Express the concern you have for their safety and help them to understand that they are not to blame for the abuse. Do not encourage them to “work it out” with their partner- this puts the responsibility on the survivor for the abuse they are experiencing when the sole responsibility is on the abusive partner. Talk about the ways the abusive partner uses excuses for violence or blames the violence on them.

Help your friend develop a safety plan. Tell them that you are concerned. Acknowledge the ways they have kept themselves safe in the past. Help them access available resources at home, school or in the community.

Be there, listen, and stay there. Listen to their experience and their concerns. The consistency in your support will be vital to the survivor when they can access support to end the relationship. When support people distance themselves in order to “wake up” the survivor or try to get them
to end the relationship, they actually are isolating the survivor.

If your friend ends the relationship, keep supporting them. It is common to have feelings of grief and loss after ending any relationship. Keep in contact with your friend. Reaffirm their strengths and actions they took in order to leave the relationship.
Take care of yourself. It is not your job to rescue them. You can empower them to find their own solution.